to the girl with BABY on her Christmas list... again

Two years ago, I wrote this post. To and from the girl with baby on her Christmas list. A few of my friends could relate and I was thankful for that. The year ended and I didn't think much about it....but it has become the most read blog on this little space I call mine. So if you haven't read it yet... you might want to start here.

To the girl with BABY on her Christmas list...

Hey there... it's me again. I'm writing to you because a couple of years ago I said I would. I'd hoped that I'd write again in 2015 but my December and Christmas were filled with other plans you see. That girl who's 2014 December was filled with longing for a baby... (longing that my original letter to you was written out of)... that girl who in April mourned that her shot at a Christmas baby was gone. That girl... this girl spent December of 2015 on the couch with swollen ankles and a headache from preeclampsia. This girl spent the Christmas (Eve & Day) of 2015 in Labor & delivery room #5. This girl gave birth to that BABY on her Christmas list on December 26th, 2015.

You might call that coincidental or ironic. But I call it miraculous and divinely appointed.

This year when the December surge of that post came with comments and sharing, I went back to read it again. This time with a nearly one year monkeying around me. With the view of that mantle with 3 stockings in view. With the stack of those Christmas cards with my sweet son's face on them stacked next to me.... also along with his 1st birthday invites. 

I read that blog that I (in some completely other reality) wrote 2 years ago and my heart broke for you. But my eyes opened more clearly to something I'd known all along.

See moments before I decided to hit the NEW POST button that lead me here to this blank white space where I've poured out my heart so many times, I got an interesting message. The message was from a friend who just met a woman in her neighborhood and discovered that she'd recently shared my original letter "to the girl with BABY on her Christmas list" as an attempt to let people know what she was going through. She went on to share with my friend that although she didn't know me at all that this blog had given her some encouragement in a really rough time. Y'all.... that is straight up Jesus. There is no amount of planning or good writing that could make that happen. That is ALL the work of Jesus. 

And while that story filled my heart and reminded me of why it's important to obey even when it feels uncomfortable.... (because believe me... when I started sharing our fertility struggle only 10 months into trying, it felt very uncomfortable)... it reminded me of something that it's so easy to forget....

This life... glorious season, trial season, Christmas season, any season... is not really about me at all. Not that God doesn't care about me personally.... because He so does. Not because He didn't care about my desire to be a mom.... because He so did. But He had/has this great big plan that is all for His glory. That's all for His fame. A plan that involves the salvation of us because He loves us! A plan that involves His gospel reaching people. A plan that is all about JESUS.... the one Christmas is all about anyways.

That post I wrote two years ago, this blog that I've shared my highs and lows on, my marriage, my motherhood, my infertility, my life... were never about me.... they were all about HIM.

That season of shining lights and family dinners while my heart was longing for a baby was fertile soul for Him to remind me that He was all I needed. That He loved me enough to care about my every tear. That He had not forgotten me but was working out His great plan for His glory AND my good. It was fertile soil to remind me that Christmas is all about Jesus... and so is life. To remind me that even in the most difficult of times, He is there and He is good. 

And I pray that for the thousands of people who've landed here at A Sweet Aroma because of that Christmas post so filled with longing and hope, that they saw Jesus. That they found encouragement and attributed not to this girl behind this keyboard... but the God of the universe. 

I still don't write this with some pretty perfect answer for you. I don't know why God is bringing you through this waiting for a baby stage. I know that realizing all that I said above doesn't make the pain go away. I know that you probably have mixed feelings even reading this... knowing that my wish was filled and yours hasn't been. And can I tell you that I do too? I often wonder why God has given me my child but not many others around me. "For my glory AND their good." He reminds me.

I just want you to know that your ache this season is not without purpose... and it is most certainly not forgotten by God or by me. I am continually praying for those of you with aching hearts this Christmas. Praying that God will fill you with hope and joy that only comes from Him. Praying that He use you in this season where emotions are so deep. Praying that next Christmas you'll get to hang that next stocking.

Because in those moments where the baby is pulling balls off the tree and downing Christmas cookies like a mad man,  and you get to buy all those cute Christmas outfits, these moments of heartache will seem like a distant memory. They will fill you to the brim and leave you praising Jesus all the more.

Still wishing you joy and blessings and babies this Christmas,

 the girl who got the BABY on her Christmas list
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