Not Just a Dream

This cycle started out like the last 18… tears, heartbreak, confusion, wonder. 
I bawled knowing there would be no Mother’s Day announcement. I dreaded the announcements and births that I would face with another month of an empty womb and a longing heart. 

The month was so busy though… 2 trips to VA, a new job, 2 weddings, a trip to Memphis, and the tragic loss of a dear friend. 

I would love to tell you that the busyness kept me from thinking/praying about a baby… but that would be a lie. That dream is never far from my mind. But what I did notice as the week went on was the difficulty I was having to really get my hopes up. 

See, usually, getting my hopes up, praying expectantly, and dreaming of a possible little one came pretty easily each month. But this month every time I would let myself go into that dream, hope, expectancy, I felt such a wall. The last three months had been so devastating. It’s when we had been bombarded by pregnancy announcements and so completely convinced I was pregnant each month, only to be left with another lap on the same painful track. 

I noticed this wall early and even reached out to some friends for prayer. They of course began praying in faith and praying that I would have faith. Slowly but surely my hopes creeped up. One friend was so convinced that this was our month to get pregnant that she told me every time we were together. I would hear those words and there was a part of me that wanted to believe her but there was a part of me that was terrified to be let down once again. Praying expectantly became more of a conscious effort more than just a natural process and that taught me so much about disciplining my thoughts and intentionally trusting the Lord’s power.

The month progressed through all the busyness and I was in VA working for the week when random symptoms started sneaking in. The first I noticed was the need to pee all the time. I gave it a little thought and resolved that maybe I had a UTI. As other symptoms came on the scene, I kind of blew them off. I was in VA and that weekend I traveled onto Memphis to be in a wedding. Of course, by the time I got back to DE I was exhausted. Of course, I wasn’t feeling well because of all the food I’d had while traveling, and those headaches… just sleep deprivation. The symptoms had fooled me too many times and I wasn’t falling for it this time. I was still praying expectantly, begging God that this month would be different but the symptoms weren’t going to convince me I was pregnant. 

When I got back to Husband on Sunday, we dreamed of the possibility of a baby. We agreed that if a new cycle didn’t start by Thursday we would test. On Wednesday, after 3 days of nausea and fatigue, I looked back on my cycles. It had been since September that I was really late and the last 5 months had consistently been 31 days. This was Cycle Day 33. 

So we agreed Wednesday night we would test on Thursday evening after dinner. (Yes I know that HCG shows up better in the morning but when you wait until that late to test, time of day really shouldn't matter.)

Thursday morning came (day 34) and Joel woke me up. He reminded me that he was going in at a different time for a special event and that he had another hour before leaving. He went on downstairs to let the dog out and iron his clothes. 

As I got out of bed, I debated on taking the test right away. Testing is a war that wears me out so I was unsure what to do. With a spontaneous impulse to get it over with, I decided it was better to just know instead of wondering all day. I peed on the stick planning to lay it down and go get Joel so we could our results together. 

But those two minutes that I’d always spent staring over those sticks pleading for a 2nd line strangely turned to seconds…. 

because before I could even lay the stick on the counter the 2nd line was THERE! WHAT?! 

I kept waiting to wake up… for it to all be a dream. But no. This was real life. 

The proof was there. Two lines. POSITIVE! AHHHHHH!

So I was doing the craziest happy dance I’ve ever done but trying to maintain myself long enough for Joel to join me! I yelled downstairs in a very forced composed voice, trying not to give it away… “Babe, could  you come up here for a second?” His immediate thought and what I hoped he would think was “She needs me to come kill a spider.” Which is usually why I call him upstairs. 
Only problem was it made him be in no rush hah. 

So there I was waiting for him, crying/laughing, dancing, praising Jesus…. all the while trying to be quiet. And then the moment I had been waiting for…. the one I had imagined not just for those few minutes but for the many months we’ve been praying for a baby.... 

Husband walked into the bathroom and with a huge smile on my face and 2-lined stick in my hand I screamed, “WE ARE HAVING A BABY!” 

I can’t describe to you that moment. It was moment I will hold in my heart for the rest of my life. It was a moment filled with tears, laughter, kisses, praise, hugs, dancing and full on rejoicing for what the Lord had done. 

We feel so so very blessed to have a little baby inside of me. We are so very grateful for this little life that means so much! We have no idea why this month turned out any different than the rest, except that God decided this was the month… the best month for His glory and our good. We know that God is the Author of life and He has created this sweet baby Miller in my womb. My heart is filled with praise for the joy of becoming a mom and knowing Husband is a dad.

(photo credit: Luminosity Photography)

My expected Due Date is February 5th and as for many more details those will be coming all week as I have many posts coming in celebration! 

I also want to say this…. I don’t write this victory post without recognizing that there are still many of you out there waiting for YOUR victory, YOUR 2-lines, YOUR praise session in the bathroom, YOUR baby miracle. I know you probably have mixed emotions right now…. excited for us but wondering when for yourself. Some of you have been waiting much longer than me and it breaks my heart to know that the tearful waiting seems endless right now. I can only hope that our story will bring you a ray of sunshine and hope from the Father who is so so good (even in the valleys). But I want you to know that I am still thinking of you and praying for you so so often.

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