The tension between our perfect and God's perfect.

A few weeks ago Husband and I were on the way to church when an interesting conversation took place. We were passing by some land that our church had looked at purchasing (as we currently meet in a middle school) when Joel started thinking out loud....

"It's a shame it didn't work out for us to get that property. It would have been perfect.

But I guess God didn't think so."

All in one breath he recognized the tension between our perfect and God's perfect.
All in one breath he summed up my current thoughts on infertility.

Late Friday night my heart was pierced with the realization that yet another month has left me with an empty womb.

I cried myself to sleep that night curled up on Husband's chest, giving all my reasons that THIS was supposed to be our month. 

Did God not know?

Did God not know that this month I had been so hopeful???
Hopeful that Sunday's baby dedication would be exciting instead of devastating.
Hopeful that next week I'd meet my newest little niece with pure joy and no hint of brokenness.
Hopeful that Mother's Day would be a day of celebrating my sweet momma and also my baby within.
Did God not know?

Did God not know that this month I had been so sure???
So sure from all the recent symptoms.
So sure from the THREE people who'd shared that God was saying it'd be soon.
So sure that I'd browsed summer maternity clothes and bought items for the hope chest.
Did God not know?

Did God not know that this month would have been PERFECT???
Perfect for us to tell our families when we see them this weekend.
Perfect for me to be huge and pregnant at Christmas.
Perfect for me to fit in with the other 4 pregnant girls in our Bible study.
Did God not know?

I found myself over and over and over telling God,
"This was supposed to be our month. The timing would have been perfect."

But God didn't think so.....
Because if He did, I would be spending this week away from the blog or dodging the topic as to not give our big news away too soon.
If He did, I would be preparing announcements and rejoicing over a blessing in my womb.

God knew all those factors... He knew them and yet He still didn't find it perfect.
He didn't choose to have this month be the one we're waiting for. 

So what do I do now?
I have to continually remind myself....

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. 
"For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55.8

"He has done all things well."
Mark 7:37

I know God's timing and plans are perfect, but that doesn't make it easy, painless, or understandable.
What gets me through to hope for next month is that He sees the big picture much more than I do and His Word has proven true that He does all things well. 

It doesn't mean I won't cry, my heart won't break, and I won't wonder why and when.
It just means I'll keep walking, I'll keep trusting, and I'll keep hoping..... no matter how much it hurts.

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