It was just a dream....



I've been quiet around here this week. Not because I wanted to leave anyone hanging about our baby status, but because I've been holding my breath all week long.


Ten days ago I packed up my car, turned on my praise music, and did the 9 hour drive to my hometown. Joel was in Arizona for training so I was going to spend some time with family & friends.
I'm a dreamer... it's what I do. 


Every month it's part of the "getting my hopes up" phase. 
So on the drive I dreamed (awake of course).


I dreamed of taking a test on the way to pick up Husband. 
I dreamed of seeing 2 lines.
 I dreamed of going to Cabela's and buying the cute onesies I've been eyeing for awhile.
I dreamed of stuffing them in a bag with the perfect little card.
I dreamed of Husband's face the moment he discovered he was a dad. 


All week I was convinced we were pregnant. Even more so than usual. Not really because of any symptoms in particular, just a feeling. The dreaming was what got me through the mass of adorable babies that flood my visits home (not that I would have it any other way). 


I dreamed of an Easter announcement.
I dreamed of a summer that we wouldn't ache at the site of the kids on the boardwalk.
I dreamed of a 25th birthday where I would be 7mo pregnant.
I dreamed of a Thanksgiving filled with anticipation.
I dreamed of a December baby boy or baby girl.
I dreamed of 3 stockings on the mantel.
I dreamed of everyone admiring a 3 week old on Christmas day. 


I fell in love with that dream. 
I fell in love with that baby. 
I fell in love with that story. 


So much that when Saturday came and I could have ended the breath holding, I really didn't want to.
For fear of being a random woman crying over a negative test in a gas station, I didn't test Saturday. 
My reveal to Husband went out the window.


We enjoyed being reunited. Enjoyed dinner at a new restaurant. Enjoyed the thought of a baby together. On Sunday life as usual kicked back in. An after church trip to the grocery led to the purchase of a test. As we left, I started dreaming.


I dreamed of testing when I got home.
I dreamed of us trying to avoid the news in our Sunday night Bible study.
I dreamed of us planning FaceTimes with our families.


But I was still too in love with the dream of that squishy December baby.
Monday came and I wanted to test. The not knowing was starting to make me crazy.


I dreamed of the nice card I was going to make.
I dreamed of husband checking the mail to find unexpected news.
I dreamed of recording his reaction from the driveway where I'd stand.
I dreamed of spending dinner chatting about announcements.


But once again I chickened out. I resolved that maybe I would wait a few more days.


Tuesday night while watching 19 Kids & Counting, my emotions got the best of me. I was so sure we  were pregnant and I was ready to know. On a whim we decided I would take a test and Joel would look at the results. 


I finally took the test I'd been putting off, came downstairs and waited on the couch. 


I dreamed of Husband coming down with tears of joy.
I dreamed of him saying the words "You're a mommy" or "we're having a baby!"
I dreamed of going to bed with dreams of a baby that actually was and was not just a dream.


Instead he hesitated, walked down slowly, lifted his eyes and shook his head from side to side.
I lost it. I sobbed into his chest for a good 10 minutes.
Even though my heart was in pieces, I still had this little bit of hope that the test was wrong.
I mean we did test at night and who knows, maybe I ovulated late.


I dreamed that a new cycle wouldn't start.
I dreamed that December baby wasn't gone.


But Wednesday afternoon, the new cycle came. I accepted it. Sent texts to Husband and to Mom letting them know that the dream was over and the hope for this month was gone. 
But by Thursday morning things still weren't normal.... I began to wonder if this unusually light cycle could be spotting instead of the end. 


I dreamed of this all turning around.
I dreamed of sharing that we were in fact expecting.
I dreamed that this cycle was simply an "April Fools." 


When I went to bed last night, I decided that if I woke up and still wasn't having my "normal," I would retest. I fell asleep on Husband's chest and this morning I dreamed (this time asleep).


I dreamed so vividly.
I dreamed I woke up and took a test.
I dreamed that my heart stopped as I awaited the results.
I dreamed that right before my eyes I saw the 2 pink lines.
I dreamed that I was overjoyed to wake up Husband and share the thrilling news.


I woke up hoping that this dream was a sign. My cycle still wasn't normal so I pulled out the test.
I waited so expectantly. 


I dreamed that line would appear.
I dreamed that I'd wake Husband with the best news.
I dreamed that this one last chance for a December baby would surely come through.


But it was just a dream.


It was all just a dream.


The announcements.
The positives.
The stocking.
The baby.


It was just a dream.


I know that in a few days, my heart will start to form again.
I'll start praying and hoping about a January baby.
I'll get excited at the thought of a Mother's Day announcement.
I'll start dreaming all over again.


But right now..... I don't have the energy.
Right now I just keep saying over and over and over again....


"It was just a dream." 
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18 comments:

  1. Oh Brandy, so very sorry. That is the worst feeling. Hugs and love to you.

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  2. I am so sorry Brandy. I know this can't compare at all, but I couldn't get pregnant during my teaching internship year (since interns didn't have maternity leave and therefore I'd fail), so I went on BC. Well, I was actually conceived while my mom was on BC. One month I was super late, so I took a test...negative. And then I didn't have a cycle for another month or so...negative again. But, two and a half months of not menstruating and 2 negative tests drove me insane until I finally started my normal cycle. So, I can understand that waiting and hoping and speculating about negative results when you are SO SURE and feel that it is happening. I'm praying for you, always!

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  3. Aw :( This made me super sad. We'll send prayers your way!

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  4. You capture the emotion so well in the way you write! Wow. That is so SO hard. Praying for you!

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  5. Brandy, I am so sorry. I have been there myself. Praying for you.

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  6. Believing that the Lord will turn your dream into your reality!

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  7. That waiting and dreaming can be so thrilling but so torturing at the same time. Thank you for your sweet prayers Tayler.

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  8. Thank you so much Lori for the prayers and the encouragement.

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  9. Thanks Catherine. :( It's a feeling many of us know all too well....

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  10. Thanks Caroline! Me too and yours as well!

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  11. Awe thanks Christie! So sweet! :)

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  12. So sorry for this newest disappointment. I can't ever help myself from dreaming even though I know I will be so crushed when it doesn't happen. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and just know that even when we don't understand .. his timing is perfect. Love ya girl.

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  13. Bind My Wandering HeartApril 8, 2015 at 2:23 PM

    Oh Brandy, this is so touching and heartbreaking! Praying for you! I totally understand this and it is so difficult. I'm so excited to have found your blog through Lisa's link up. You write so beautifully!

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  14. Still praying for you Faith! Love you!

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  15. Thank you so much for your prayers and kind words. <3

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