One day. One week. One month at a time.

In August I shared about our desire and struggle to conceive. It had only been 9 months but that seemed like an eternity. Here we are 6 months later... which also feels like an eternity. 
Some of you are reading this thinking yeah that's forever. 
Others of you have been struggling so long that seems like a blink.

If you've been around here much since then, you know I've shared way beyond that post.
I opened up about my wrestle with keeping my hopes up, the tears of my sad days, and the jealousy that often eats at me. You may have read my letters to the woman with the baby in a baby carriage,  the girl with BABY on her Christmas list, or the 2 week wait. There have been stories of hope and tears and wonderfully filled wombs. I've talked about keeping an expectant prayer life, what to expect when not expecting, and not praying the words as soon as possible. I've asked questions such as What if God does not provide? and How does it feel to be pregnant?

But with all of that, I haven't really updated you on the medical side much. 
This has been intentional for a few reasons. 
More than the appointment play by play, I want you to see my heart, my teachings, and my Jesus.
 I also want to protect our hopefully growing family by allowing us to process each step before sharing with the world wide web. 
I know many of you get curious because you care and I am never offended by you asking. 
So all the being said, about every 6 months I will try to update you on our journey (the medical side). 
Sometimes more often, sometimes less often, depending on the season.

The one year mark came slowly but suddenly. For those of you who aren't familiar with the infertility world, one year is kind of the "normal" mark. Doctors won't technically call it infertility until a year and according to statistics it is perfectly "normal" for it take up to a year to conceive. Each month felt  like years but at the same time one year came upon us quite quickly. It was a point none of us (me, Joel, or my doctor) thought we'd get to when I had a hormonal check up in May. I remember my RE telling me she expected I would be expecting before we ever hit that infertility mark. 

Hitting it was unnerving, exhausting, and frightening. At our (what should be) ripe, fertile ages, it's unlikely that we wouldn't get pregnant unless there was something wrong. So the testing began. 

No appointment or test was easy. I was holding my breath with each one waiting for a verdict, some explanation. In those moments I kind of felt like my whole future was on the line. Not that God can't heal any reproductive disease, but the truth is He doesn't always choose to.

 Pretty much every aspect was looked at before we went back for our most recent appointment. My doctor had been on maternity leave since the testing had started; so although we knew pieces from the NPs performing the tests, it was the first time we had seen her since November. I was a nervous wreck to be totally honest. Scared they would have found something and scared they wouldn't have.

The latter of my fears was true. We walked in and sat in front of that glowing newborn momma to hear her say "there is medically no reason you aren't pregnant." I can't really tell you the amount of relief and frustration that passed through me all at once. Relieved that there was nothing severe wrong but disheartened that there was no easy fix. 
We were handed the medical diagnosis of unexplained infertility.

She proceeded to lovingly tell us the statistics and the suggested treatment.

Statistically 90% of couples get pregnant within the first year of trying.
Another 5% get pregnant the second year of trying.

The typical treatment plan for a couple in our boat is.
Clomid (increases ovulation).
Clomid + IUI.
*For those of you who don't know infertility and are curious, you can search these on WebMD*

None of the above are we ready to consider yet. I get queasy just thinking about them at this point. 
While there is other natural monitoring they can do to watch my cycles, I'm not ready for that either.
Three months from now, this all could change and God could give us peace about proceeding more medically but right now it's just not there. 

So what's the plan, you ask?
I'm going to try to eat healthier and work out more to better prepare my body for pregnancy.
I'm going to rest in that God is not bound to statistics.
I'm going to trust that He's using this season for His glory.
I'm going to continue sharing my heart to, praying for, and building friendships with women in this struggle. 
I'm going to believe that every month is our month.
I'm going to pour my prayers out to the Lord.
I'm going to pray against bitterness and fight for contentment.
I'm going fight through the tension of being barren while many others are not. 
I'm going to soak up these moments with Husband and dream about our babies with him. 
I'm going to take it one day, one week, one month at a time. 

I can't think about Mother's Day, our anniversary, or another Christmas coming without a baby in my arms or in my womb. I can't think about giving you the next 6 month update without any good news of a little one. If I get to those bridges, I will cross them then. In the meantime, I'm hopeful that in a month from now I'll be telling you I'm pregnant. I'm hopeful that next week will bring happy tears instead of sad ones.

I'm taking it one day, one week, one month at a time. 




  1. Your testimony is not finished. I will continue to pray for you. Thank you serving God by encouraging other women :)

  2. Looking back during our time of trying, a miscarriage, then trying again I can absolutely see God's work in progress. Have faith sweetheart, hard times mold us into something beautiful. I hope you get your miracle soon, but can I just tell you that what you received is GREAT NEWS. I don't mean to be a downer, but there are so many couples who don't receive that type of news, their's is much worse. Stay happy, spend time with your hubby, enjoy life to the fullest, your little miracle will join your family soon enough!!! I just know it!

  3. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing this post! I have not struggled with it personally, but I have friends who have. You are right when you say that sometimes God fixes it and sometimes he does not. . . . Some of the people we know went on to adopt. Others, after (gulp) years of trying finally conceived. They even went on to have more kids easily after that. Thought I haven't struggled with infertility, my husband and I have struggled with waiting on God's timing. We know it is best, but it can still be endlessly frustrating. Especially when you are in a place of pain or unhappiness and you just want the next chapter to unfold!

  4. thanks Holly <3 For your encouragement and your prayers.

  5. Thank you Whitney! <3 While it is frustrating, I am very thankful for the diagnosis we got... I know it is blessing that everything is in proper working order. The time in between is up one day and down the next. I'm riding the wave, feeling the emotions, praying through the longing, and knowing He is good. Thank you for providing the kind of encouragement that only someone who's walked this path can give.

  6. :) Thanks Logan!!!!! For the prayers and for the tag <3

  7. I think that's what's so beautiful about stories Nathana. I have women message me all of the time who have never dealt with infertility but somehow find truth in these words. I think deep down we all wrestle with God's will vs our own. We live in such a "take the bull by the horns" kind of world that wants you to "take control of your own destiny." All of that goes against the essence of Scripture. So many people too think that if you know the truth (that God's timing is perfect) then you aren't allowed to feel. Also so not true... Jesus knew what was best when He was praying in the garden but it didn't make Him dread the cross any less.

  8. Deep hugs to you! I am praying for you in your journey. Know you're not going down this path alone!

  9. I'm glad that there's no deeper, underlying medical issue!

  10. Me too Tayler! I'm very very thankful for that!


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