when jealousy abounds

I've never thought of myself as much of a jealous person. 
I, of course, have had my moments... 
Being somewhat jealous of the skinny girls or ones with unbroken homes. Sometimes slightly jealous during my single years of my many friends who seemed to have the perfect love story. There've been times I was jealous of someone's ability to sing or draw or dance. Sadly there's been times I've even been jealous of one's callings and careers in life. 

But I'd never really felt jealousy overtake me in such a way until this season of life. 

To excitedly say the words "I'm pregnant."
To decorate a nursery outside of my Pinterest board, snuggle a baby I can actually take home, and be that mom that takes 100 photos a day because I don't want to miss a moment. 

Different than in any other season, this jealousy is more than a slight yuckiness. 

This jealousy is debilitating. 
It puts a pit in my somach and a knot in my throat. 
It steals my breath and stalls my heart. 
It completely paralyzes me in moments and then others it makes me shake with grief.
It's what keeps me awake on nights like tonight but often haunts my dreams when sleep finds me. 

It's awful. I hate it. 

It steals my joy as I scroll through Facebook and makes me envious of my favorite stars on tv. 
(Doesn't help that I love 19 kids and counting.) 

Why can't I see a bump update or a pregnancy announcement without crying it out for hours?
I LOVE babies! And I love when my friends & family have babies! 
But yet I feel this eating frustration inside me. The one that says "when will it be my turn?" 

What drives me most nutty about the crazy beast Jealousy is....I know better. 

I know that Gods plan is perfect.
I know He's writing a story that I can't comprehend.
I know that He doesn't work in turns and He hasn't forgotten me.
I know that He is good, so so good. 
I know that He's using this for His glory. 

Because of all that, I wouldn't change it if I could. 
But oh what I'd give to change the jealousy. 
I disgust this side of me. It makes me feel shameful and sad. It's not part of the me I want to be. 

So I pray. And I read. And I write.
My typical pattern when I'm at a loss. 

I remind myself of passages like Psalm 73.26 "though my heart and flesh may fail, The Lord is my strength and my portion for life."
I confess that my heart and flesh are majorly failing. 
I plead for Him to intervene. 

And slowly but surely my heart regains a normal rhythm and my breath returns without the sobs.
The knot in my throat disperses and the pit in my stomach slowly fades.
I begin to feel like myself again.
For the moment at least. 

Day by day. Step by step.
One day I'll hold while others long and spend nights rocking while others grieve.
I can only pray that in those moments I will look back on these days and long and grieve for them.
In the meantime I praise my great God for His gentle reminder... 

When jealousy abounds, so does grace.

Grace for my sin.
Grace that I need. 
Grace for me to have. 
Grace for me to give. 

When jealousy abounds, {praise God} so does grace. 

At what time in your life did you wrestle with Jealousy most? 



  1. Wow you are such a beautiful, transparent, influential woman of God. You're faith is astounding. You have remained faithful in a time where you could have easily given up on God. Don't think for a second that God does not feel your reach and hear your prayers. You move Him. You chose to lay down your own will for His. That is beautiful. You are beautiful. I will be mindful to keep you in my prayers. I look forward to your one-day baby! I can't wait to see the pictures :) But just know that God is using your testimony to bring glory to His name. Man, you already are. Wow.

  2. I love this so very much. I hope one day you can experience motherhood. It's kind of interesting. I have planned for later this month a post on jealousy as well. Comparison is always a problem I have always struggled with. Sometimes (ok, a lot of times) I forget to be content with what I have and count my many blessings.

  3. His grace is more!! I can so feel and relate to your heart behind this, my friend. It hurts to see other women having babies with no problems but we have to trust our Loving Father because His timing really is PERFECT and He knows and cares about the desires of our hearts! Xoxoxo praying for you

  4. Your posts about this always seem to echo my own heart. I've been clinging to Deuteronomy 31:8 lately: "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." and Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope. 6 I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." I actually wrote these verses into two different songs during a worship time the other morning. It's been so good for my heart to meditate on them.

  5. i love the openness of the post, and I love that you said yourself: "I know better."
    I have my faults but jealousy has thus far never really been a struggle for me--somehow, I'm able to believe with all of my heart that I'm ME for a very good reason, and I'd rather be ME, the one I was created to be, than anyone else on earth--I'd rather face my own battles than deal with the battles anyone else may be going through, because I know God will provide exactly what I need.

  6. Thank you so much Holly. You are so sweet. God is growing me and stretching me in ways I never knew imaginable. Just when I think I will wallow up with defeat and jealousy, He restores my hope and gives me peace & grace for the moment. What more can I ask for? Thank you for your sweet prayers and words of encouragement. I surely look forward to that day of sharing MANY pictures with you all of our precious Miller Babies :)

  7. Thank you Tayler! It's strange how jealousy creeps in on you in the strangest seasons too. I wrote a post in November about contentment/thankfulness. I also mentioned in there that all of that can also reside with longing. It's so hard to balance that all in appropriate portions ha! It's when my longing gets out of hand that my contentment dwindles and my jealousy just roars. Thanks for stopping by! :)

  8. Thanks Katie for you prayers and your kind words! I'm so thankful for that grace.

  9. I've been praying for you Stephanie! Those are GOOD! (I'm a songwriter too, PS! So cool!) It's amazing how powerful meditating on Scripture can be.... so so powerful!

  10. That's awesome Rachel and even though I only know you through blogland, that somehow doesn't surprise me :) One thing I love about your space is that you march to the beat of your own drum and it is so beautiful! This is quite strange for me too as I mentioned. I've always loved being me and even in struggles in my life I've always been able to push through any slight bit of envy... This one, takes more effort ha. It's a work in progress and I'm thankful for the grace in the meantime. :)

  11. Oh brandy..you always speak so direct to my heart! It's so crazy the words you say because it's like you are reading my mind..every.single.time. You are such an inspiration to me. It's is hard but as you said, the Lord has his perfect timing and my prayer is the same as yours. I hope when it is my turn I will be able to feel for the friends around me that may be struggling with what I'm struggling with now. Thanks for this reminder friend!

  12. Faith...I must say, I always love when I see your name in my inbox and I know a flood of comments are coming! :) It makes me smile! So glad this spoke right to your heart. It wasn't an easy one for me to write because I don't want people to think of me as some jealous, catty girl but God (as always) made it clear that it needed to be said. He reminded me that if I was feeling that way, others out there must be too... that's one of the biggest reasons I write. So when I find out it resonated with someone else it fills my heart! :) Thanks for all your encouragement! Still praying for you!


to top