To the girl with baby on her Christmas list...


To the girl with baby on her Christmas list,
I bet you feel like me this Christmas. 
You wish people would stop asking what you want this year.
What you want can't be neatly wrapped in some beautifully bowed package under the tree. 
Despite your husband's best efforts and your friends' sincerest prayers, 
the present you so deeply long for isn't coming this year. 
As much as your mom would love to, there's no amount of money she can take to the store that will bring home the gift you'd be oh so giddy about. 
Not this year. 
This gift is far too precious to be found in a shopping mall or on a huge Cyber Monday sale. 
It can only be given by One. 
Not Santa. Not Husband. Not Parent, Friend, or Sister. 
I wonder if you have a stash like mine....
In the corner tucked away there are boy and girl Christmas outfits. There are also ornaments for my mom & grams. They didn't get used in the big reveal I had planned last year. We thought we were pregnant with a "honeymoon baby" at the end of November.  But we were quickly let down and left in the aftermath with our giddy purchases. 
I didn't have the heart to take them back.
"No big deal," I thought. "By next year we'll have a baby to put in those."
I can remember saying to Husband, "surely, we'll get pregnant within the next 4 months.
Thirteen months later and I'm still saying the same phrase.
Maybe this is your first Christmas longing for a sweet little baby. Maybe like me, it's only your 2nd. 
Maybe you're convincing yourself that by next year those stored up outfits will clothe a child. 
Maybe you too find yourself lingering too long while shopping for the babies on your list... 
staring at the "Baby's First Christmas" overflow and wishing those were in your cart as well. 
Maybe you see your mantel with 2.. 3...4 stockings but knowing you'd give your arm to have 1 more. 
Maybe you pass by the Santa in the mall and wonder what it will feel like to stand in that line with a crying baby or a bouncing kiddo. 
Or maybe you've been at this for too many years to talk about. 
Maybe you've grown "numb" & hopeless and you don't "fool" yourself with thoughts of next year being any different
Maybe you gifted your stored up outfits a few Christmases back because that seemed easier that year.
Maybe you know all the routes to miss the baby section and you've found ordering online is a better solution for the infants on your list.
Maybe you hang your stockings and try to not to ponder how many could fit.
Maybe you plan your mall trips during hours not likely to be filled with Santa-seeking children.
~
Regardless of how many years you've had BABY at the top of your list, I can suspect a few things...
You are nervous about parties and gatherings filled with new babies and pregnant women. You wonder whether you can bare it... if you can keep out your smile and hold back your tears. You don't want to be fake but you don't want to be the mood-killer of the moment either. You know you'll wear waterproof and have a hiding spot planned... in case you need to get away and have a cry. 
But snuggle those new babies, even if they make you cry. Next year they'll be running around and you'll wish you hadn't missed out on their tiny times.
You are tired of people telling you to just not think about it. To just enjoy this season. To just soak up what you have. To let the hustle and bustle distract you
I know it's hard but give them grace. They can't possibly see the malls and the parties through our eyes of yearning. They can't see that it's not so black & white... that you CAN cherish your current family, enjoy the season AND long to be pregnant at the same time. They don't get that it's impossible to just "stop thinking about it."
You are scared that this longing may linger far longer than this year. There was once a Christmas when you counted on a baby by the next.... but this year, you're not so sure. While one year family & friends said "there'll be another here next year," this year they'll use words like "maybe" or decide to avoid the conversation altogether. 
Please don't stop hoping, praying, dreaming, & trying.


~
I'm not writing this to give advice or have some nice, perfect conclusion at the end.
I write this because I want you to know you're not the only one begging Jesus for a Christmas miracle. I want you to know that even if your family & friends don't get the concealed sting of pain, I do. I want you to know that I'm praying for you in this season of wishing.
I write this because I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful that next year I'll write again... but to & from a mom who got her Christmas wish. I'm hopeful that my Christmas card will have a baby featured. I'm hopeful that my mantel will hold 3 perfect stockings. I'm hopeful that my house will be stuffed with stuff saying "Baby's First Christmas."
I write this because those precious pregnant women and sweet new moms need to know. They need to know that your tears and disappearances don't mean that you're not happy for them. They don't mean that you don't love their babies. They don't mean that they said something wrong.
I write this because there are loved ones who need to understand the struggle. They need to know that our longing doesn't mean that we're depressed. They need to know that no amount of trying will lead to babies disappearing from our thoughts. They need to know we are celebrating the season, yet grieving in our own special way. 
I write this because I want you to share it. 
I want you to share it with your fellow friends with the same Christmas list as ours. 
I want you to share it with the moms that have babies in tow. 
I want you to share it with the loved ones who have no idea what this feels like. 
I want you to share it so that maybe you'll feel less pressure to hide your sadness. 
I want you to share so that maybe more mommas will cherish what they're holding. 
I want you to share it so that someone else can hope with us while we're hoping.
Wishing you joy and blessings and babies this Christmas,

the girl with BABY on her Christmas list
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Click here to read my follow up letter to the girl with BABY on her Christmas list from Christmas 2016. 

CONVERSATION

16 comments:

  1. Brandy..thank you so much for this post. It was right on point. For myself and for a friend of mine. Thank you for being so open and honest. I cried but it was so nice to have someone understand. Thanks!

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  2. This is tough to read. My sister in law just lost her baby a few days ago & my husband and I can't have kids at the moment. Love your heart in this. God is provider & He will bless us with children in His perfect timing.

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  3. Kelsey Lauren MeltonDecember 16, 2014 at 6:36 PM

    Thank you for posting this! It hits home for so many of us struggling with this this Holiday season!

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  4. Praying for you Kelsey. It's crazy how many people are in our boat. Adding you to list of baby prayers today.

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  5. Amen. He so will.... If only that took the hurt away :(. Praying for you and your sister-in-law.

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  6. So many more people are feeling than I wish were. It breaks my heart to think of so many women longing for babies.... especially during this season. I'm glad it could be of a little comfort to you. Praying for you Faith.

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  7. I so needed to read this today. We've been TTC for a little over 12 months now. It's so hard because every one of my girlfriends is pregnant! We all used to chat about how fun it would be to have kids together and we all started trying about the same time. Then they all got pregnant within 2 months, and I'm the only one who's not yet. I love that they're going to be parents and I want to celebrate and be happy with them. It's just so hard because they keep offering me the same "enjoy it while you can" and "in God's time" and just don't understand how hard it is. I want to just be content and at peace, but it's not like flipping a switch. Especially not when all we chat about at small group now is pregnancy and babies. Even worse I nanny 4 infants, so I'm surrounded. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I'm not alone.

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  8. You are definitely not alone, Stephanie. I am adding you to my prayer list today. It is such a struggle. Just last weekend I threw a baby shower and had another friend tell me she was pregnant all in the same day. I am SO happy for them... I just wish I were in that season with them. I have a post coming soon on this but here's a new response I have for people when they say "all in God's timing" or "God has a purpose".... When someone has cancer or loses a loved one, you still know that God is good, you know He has a plan and you know if it's His will, He will heal in His timing.... HOWEVER, it doesn't take away the longing, the sadness, the pain. One of my biggest passion in sharing about infertility is hoping that people will become more sensitive to it and learn proper ways to speak to those with it. Praying the Lord blesses you with a baby soon and that He covers you with peace in joy in this somewhat difficult holiday season.

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  9. Thankyou so much for posting this. This really hit me hard. Like you, this is also my 2nd Christmas of a baby at the top of the list. I too have things stashed away and was hoping to do a big reveal on Christmas day. It is so extremly hard. And I couldn't agree with you more when you say that it's IMPOSSIBLE to "just stop thinking about it" and it is possible to be excited for others and love your family, yet be greiving so deeply at the same time. Thankyou for this heart breaking, yet heart warming post. It's comforting to know I'm not alone this Christmas.
    Neive xo
    theaussieosborns.blogspot.com.au

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  10. So sorry to hear that you too are in this boat with me Neive. I will be praying for you and especially during this time. You are definitely not alone.

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  11. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful!! I spent 2 Christmases with baby on my list and then the 3rd Christmas I was 6 months pregnant. Miracles happen all the time. There are many of us who have struggled to have babies, never feel alone.

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  12. Veronica Rosales-BeckJanuary 12, 2015 at 8:55 PM

    We got to hope and believe :)

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  13. Yes, yes we do. One day at a time. One month at a time.

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  14. This hurts so much. It is helpful to know that I am not alone, but also very painful to know that others understand how I feel, and how I feel is...awful. Our first baby was due just after Christmas, this year she would be turning two. I thought that last month would bring our positive, but my period came and now we have to start all over once again. Three years, two losses, and still no baby in our arms. II pray that this Christmas will be the time for my husband & I, and for all other couples longing for children. God bless you. ๐Ÿ’œ

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  15. I have been there too, and much of the time you feel no one understands. We tried for nearly 9 years. I have 2 beautiful daughters now. God does answer prayer.

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