When faith is hard to come by…

I awake to find the emptiness still there.
I'm not grieving a loss like so many around me. I'm grieving a vacancy.
It's not the worst day I’ve had. It's not the best.
I'm not waking up to hope. I'm waking up to sadness.
Sadness that feels empty and alone. Sadness that feels silly and selfish.
Sadness that seems irrational and unjustified.
Sadness not comparable to a beautiful, strong rainstorm
but sadness like a dreary day with no rain pattering the roof.
Sadness like gray instead of my usual yellow.
Not  anguish, not despair, not devastation. Just sadness.
I get out of bed later than usual trying to ignore the void. But even my dreams are filled with wishes of lullabies and nursery rhymes. Though those who love me know and care, the heartbreak is not something many can relate to. They can’t imagine this reality or understand the emptiness.  
As the entire world passing seems to celebrate what I long to celebrate, I continue the internal war. I, of all people, love pregnancy and babies and life. I love the Creator of life and how beautifully He designs it. This is why we have made the decisions we have for our family. Why I hold such strong convictions against all things that prevent it. I have prayed for these women, these babies, these families. Now suddenly I struggle. I struggle to smile. I struggle to say congratulations. I struggle to celebrate the very life I long to celebrate. I feel selfish and ugly and not myself.
It’s not that I’m not happy for them. I’m just sad for me. It’s not that I wish they weren’t expecting. I just wish I were too.
The day continues with its lingering cloud.
Not all days are like this. Not all days are this hard. Why this one?
Maybe because of the endless announcements. Maybe because of hormones.
Maybe because of the dream I awoke from.
Maybe because the feelings in my heart needed a break from being suppressed.
I try to go about my day as usual. But every move I make the cloud seems to follow. It seems no source of words or verses can override the sadness.
I feel overwhelmed with emotion that I can’t control.
I know the truth. I know that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. I know that He has a plan that I can’t understand. I know that His timing is perfect. I know that He is my joy, my portion, my hope. I know that nothing is too big for Him. I know that one day I will look back and this will all make sense. I know that one day this will all be memory.
But how do you convince your heart to feel what your mind knows?
How do you convince your emotions to feel what your soul believes?
It’s not that I’m not thankful. It’s not that I don’t believe. It’s not that I don’t have faith.
It’s just that right now I can’t feel any of that. I can only feel the emptiness.
I pray. I pray for faith. I pray for perspective. I pray for sunshine. I pray for a baby.
I become burdened for those who struggle like I struggle. For those who wish for their wombs to be filled. I wonder if they have these days. I pray for them. I pray for their babies. I pray for their hearts. I pray they are having a day full of hope. I pray that their loved ones will comfort them with grace and understanding and love. I pray that they receive what we are all longing for together.
The day begins to turn slowly but surely. Fragmented rays of sun come flickering through, minimizing the lingering cloud. Two calls from two dear friends. One who used to have this war and struggle and one presently in it. They can relate to every feeling, every thought. They speak the words I feel ashamed to say. Another message comes through of a fellow sister who finally received her request. Joy for her overwhelms me. Faith and hope that ours is coming. 
Husband and I end the day continuing a sermon series we’ve been listening to. It just so happens to be one on womanhood. As the pastor ends the service, he does a prayer over all the women. He specifically prays for those of us who long to be mothers, as I know his wife was there for many years. He prays that we will have faith when faith is hard to come by 
It sums up my day so perfectly that a tear comes to my eye. Having faith when faith is hard to come by.
Everyone has a textbook answer. Sometimes, though, faith is hard to come by. Even when you know the truth. Even when you believe. Even when you pray. Faith can be hard to come by. It doesn’t mean the truth’s a lie. It doesn’t mean you don’t believe.
It doesn’t mean He doesn’t hear you.
I considered not sharing this. Usually this is a cheerful place… because way more times than not, I’m a cheerful person. God consistently overflows me with joy and hope. Most of the times when I have days like this it all becomes clear. God gives me a great revelation and speaks a new truth into my heart. Out of that come posts like Go ahead...get your hopes up. But today that didn’t happen.
God kept urging me in my spirit to share. I don’t have God figured out by any means but I have a good guess why. As I look back on my day yesterday, I realize that the glimpses of sunlight came through not in truth or answers. Not in concrete lessons. But in companionship. In feeling like someone else understood. In feeling like we’re all in this together. In feeling like maybe the reason for today’s cloud was to provide company in someone else’s. In feeling like one day I too will relate and encourage someone as my friend did me. That’s Scripture. That’s truth.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”
2 Corinthians 1.3-5
So that’s why I’m sharing. For you who are here in this same affliction or maybe sitting under the cloud, you’re not alone. Your feelings are real. You are being prayed for.
I am praying that you'll have faith when faith is hard to come by
For those of you who stayed with me through this not so chipper post and have no relation to infertility, pray for those around you who do. I ask you kindly not to judge me and think of me ridiculous for painting out the depths of my heart but to recognize that many around you are probably feeling the same. I ask you to share this with them so that they too might be comforted.
If you are reading this and are longing for a baby, I would LOVE to pray for you by name. I would love to hear your story. Please email me at brandymillerwriting@gmail.com.



  1. Brandy, it sucks. But last night I got to hold Baby Leif for almost two hours. I thought that I would just cry and that my heart would be overcome with jealousy and grief. Instead, by God's grace alone, I'm sure, I felt only pure joy and love for that little boy. And those two hours gave me hope for a lifetime with my own Baby Matthews someday. Please go hold him and love on him. I hope it makes your heart feel like mine. That happy shiny feeling might go away, and then I completely understand...it just sucks. ~EM

    1. I had the same joy. I've got to snuggle him a few times now and he's absolutely precious. Glad you had the same experience. I'm fine when I'm there... it's when I leave that my heart longs to have my own. :/

  2. Ok...you are totally going on my daily reads. You just spoke everything that has been in my heart lately and I'm sitting here bawling thank God that I'm not alone. That in not the only person that feel like this. Thanks so much for sharing..would love to get to know you better. :) thanks for listening to your heart and God and posting this..it was a much needed read. And I'm praying for you and your husband too!

    1. Thank you for sharing. I know when God has me write stuff like this, He has a purpose but it is so nice to hear from the people it touches. It makes opening my heart wide open worth it. I will continue to pray for you and LG.

  3. Brandy, thankyou so much for this post. It made me cry and touched my soul. I resonated with every word. Especially how you feel ashamed to speak it (it's not really a normal topic of converstation with others). Also, the lin "I know that one day I will look back and this will all make sense. I know that one day this will all be memory. But how do you convince your heart to feel what your mind knows?". I struggle with this everyday. I know the Lord is preparing me for something great and it is all part of my journey, but how to a convince my heart of that? How to I stop it breaking in two? Thankyou for your beautifully written words helping me feel like I'm not alone, in this hard lonely journey.
    Neive xo

    1. Neive, thank you for your sweet words. I completely agree. Even know God has started using this as a huge aspect of my ministry. I see that and I see how beneficial it is. I see Him getting glory and our story being used! I love that part... I truly do but it doesn't keep my heart from breaking. It doesn't suppress my longing. You are not alone my friend. I am adding you to my prayer list tonight! Anytime you need to have one of those "conversations" feel free to email me at brandymillerwriting@gmail.com... I'm always up for one!


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