Settle In

I've been wanting to blog all week but couldn't seem to land on what God's been teaching me specifically. Last week was the most emotional week I'd had in a long time. A little over three weeks ago I had surgery on my shoulder on Monday and then that Thursday my dear grandfather passed away. As I came back home I was such a bundle of emotions. I have total peace that my grandfather is in Heaven and I have so much hope in that but being back in Delaware has been hard. I've been homesick and longing to be with my family. While they're all in VA being together and spending time with my Grams I've been stuck here. While they've all been getting back into routine and trying to stay busy, I've been stuck on the couch left with my thoughts. Last week it seemed as if I couldn't go and hour without crying. I knew God was teaching me but I was begging Him for a new season. I had a hard time grasping that it was almost Summer, warm weather, and sunshine because my heart still felt like it was winter.
This week has been totally different... I've been reading through 1 Samuel and really getting the details of how David the shepherd boy became David the king (but that's a blog for another time). In this reading though the one thing you see is that years and years before David is made king, he's anointed as king. God tells David before he was ever on the map for killing Goliath that he would be king of Israel. David didn't just sit around and wait for that kingship season to start... he did what he could with where he was. Through this God molded him to prepare him for being a king and he had some awesome victories in the process. As I meditated on that this week and prayed to find what God was saying to me, I felt Him saying, "Settle in."
"Settle in. Stop waiting for your season to change. Stop dreaming and making lists about what you'll do when your shoulder is functional again. Settle in."
Of course this is NOT what I want to hear! I want to say "No, I'm not settling in. I'm going to be better soon. It's not going to take 3-6mo for me like the doctors said. I'm going to get back to my life." But I've been living this way since the accident in January. I've been waiting for the opportunity to get back on my feet, get a new part time job, do outreach, be functional. But God, my wonderful God, who knows best for my life is saying, "Settle in, Brandy. Settle in."
This reminded me of a previous time in my life that my mom brought up a few weeks ago.... It was a month before I turned 17 and I was in US History class when I started coughing... uncontrollably. I thought I had a cold or maybe allergies and blew it off. But the coughing only got worse... I would have serveral coughing "episodes" a day and it got to the point that I literally couldn't catch my breath. This was September. By November I had seen 12 different doctors... everything you can think of from a Pulmonologist to an Allergy specialist.. referal after referal and they still couldn't find what was wrong. By this point it was so bad that I was taking breathing treatments multiple times every day just get by and the last pulmonologist said I sounded like a 90 year old woman who had been smoking her whole life.
I've always been active and involved in everything so this of course didn't match with my lifestyle. It was volleyball season and homcoming time. My life was full of school, sports, and social events. Doctors threw out every possiblity from Whooping Cough to Tuberculosis. I was so frustrated and I just wanted my 17 year old life back. That last pulmonologist finally determined that I had Vocal Cord Dysfunction and sent me to an ENT to be treated. I was thrilled to finally have a diagnosis and thought okay now my life will be better. But before I left that day he informed me that healing would take much time and I would need sit out during the upcoming cheerleading season. He also said I would need to limit how much I talked and that my chior days would be on pause because singing wasn't an option.
I was so sad when I left the office. I cried at the thought of a minmum of 4 months off and sitting at home. When we left that doctors appointment at the end of November my mom surprised me. She took me to the music store. See I had been learning keyboard from one of my cheerleading coaches for a couple years... but I had never really progressed dramatically because I had no way to practice when I came home. When I had time I'd slip to the church early on Wednesday nights or Sunday mornings to get a little practice in. But I was a busy girl. Piano was one of the many things I was involved in.... until that November.
My mom, knowing my heartbreak, decided my Christmas present was coming early. That day we took home the keyboard that I still play on today. I wish I could tell you that I became some piano genius and I'm giving lessons and using my talent every day now... but I'm not. I'm just an average piano player who doesn't know sheet music but loves to worship while sitting at the piano. Even though I didn't become a classical composer, God did something really cool with that keyboard....
Even though I couldn't sing I would sit for hours learning the chords and notes to new worship songs. By February I was singing again and God took those few months off and that keyboard and started the first Impact Youth worship team at my church. Over time we gained instruments and became a full band... one that's now carrying on at my church in VA today.
There were many times I didn't feel like being a patient patient. There were many times that I would get my hopes up that my season was going to change more quickly than it did. But just like now, God came in and said, "Brandy, settle in. We're not done in this season yet." And boy did He use it. That keyboard followed me to college where God inspired 10 original songs. It followed me to Delaware where I was able to use it to fill in on worship team until God provided LifeHouse with another keyboardist. But none of those fill my heart as much getting pictures and videos from Impact showing me that those teens are still using what God started to lead their peers in worship.
I don't know how long I'm going to be stuck on the couch not using my arm. I don't know how long it will be before I can cook a meal or clean my house without excruiating pain. I don't know how long it will be before I can run or work out and lose these pounds I've packed on. I don't know how long it will be before I'll get to work the church nursery again and swoop up a baby.
But I know that in the meantime, I'm going to stop dreaming about that.
I'm going to settle in.
I'm going to start going on walks, working from home, and blogging as much as possible.
I'm going to soak up every bit of truth up I can be taught in one season.
I'm going to trust that God has me in the exact season He wants me.
"For everything there is a season and a time for every matter under Heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance;
a time to to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from empracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep and a time to cast away;
a time to tear and a time to sew
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.....
He has made everything beautiful in its time."
Ecclesiastes 3.1-8,11
So maybe your in a season like me that you're not enjoying too much... one that you're so ready to be over? Well unless you're being disobedient to God then you can trust He has you in the exact season He wants you. He doesn't want you to ignore the season and ignore His truth and push through it. He wants you SETTLE IN. Hear what He has to stay. And trust that when He's ready... a new season will emerge.
"Wait upon the Lord. Be strong. Take Heart. And wait upon the Lord."
Psalm 27.14



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