You dream about having that disgustingly gooey but so perfectly fresh baby laid right on your chest after they leave that home you've carried them in. You dream about those first snuggles, first feeds, first cries and sleepy faces... all right there in that first hour. In that hospital bed where your world changed. You dream about visitors coming and passing him or her around while you glow with pride that this child is yours. You dream of spending one or two nights of making sure they're just fine and loading that precious gift up in the carseat to leave. You dream of spending those next weeks in perfect (sleepless) bliss cherishing every noise, movement, and moment.
September 29, 2016
August 26, 2016
July 5, 2016
June 28, 2016
Yeah, yeah... I didn't plan on it being this long before I published the 2nd part. While part of me wishes I'd been a little more on the ball with this, most of me is just thankful the abundant amount of snuggles that keep blogging from being anywhere close to my top 5 priorities right now. :) If you missed part 1 and want to know what led us up to the induction, you can find that HERE.
I had taken a shower, walked around the room, and eaten a breakfast tray from the cafeteria when the induction orders came through on Christmas Eve. It was a little past noon when the nurses and the Maternal Fetal Medicine doc came in to turn on the Mag (because of my preeclampsia) and insert the Foley Bulb (used to help open the cervix in an induction). I had to get a new IV because the one I had from triage was giving me issues and then it took 3 tries to get the Foley Bulb in but around 1pm my induction was all set.
It was explained to me that the Foley Bulb would fall out once I was dilated to 3-4cm and at that point they would start Pitocin to get contractions going. The nurse warned me that it would likely make me really crampy (which it did) and that it could take anywhere from 4-12 hours to complete it's job.
One of my closest friends stopped by in that waiting period and it was such a breath of fresh air. Joel arrived within a couple hours after getting our doggie set and packing up a few last minute needs for me and him. He had his first of 3 back to back WaWa meals (it was Christmas) for dinner and I had my first of many cups of Jello (one of the only 2 foods I was allowed while on Mag). We watched Christmas movies on and off, tried to rest, and attempted to prepare.
I was feeling pretty calm and at peace throughout the evening. I was trying not to get worked up about all of the possibilities to come and just be in the moment. Looking back, the heaviest weight I had that evening was knowing that because I was on Mag and Levi would be required to go to the NICU, I would not get to spend those first hours with him. I asked a few close friends to pray for me about that and then just tried to relax.
I dozed on and off waiting for the Foley Bulb to fall out. At around 2:30am on Christmas Day the doctor on call came and said I was ready for Pitocin. I dozed back off but not for long. Within an hour or two the contractions were coming strong enough to wake me and I would try to sleep in between. The frequency and strength only intensified and by 6am there really wasn't much sleep happening.
At some point in the next couple hours, the new on call doctor came in. It was Christmas Day now and the practices had teamed up for a holiday rotation and I had no idea who this woman was. Up until this point everyone coming in had prepared me that this would be a long process since my body had not started labor naturally and because Mag usually fights labor. Many had said it would likely be Saturday (the 26th) before he was born... But this new doctor was in a hurry. She came in ready to give me an epidural, break my water, and crank the Pitocin. Her words were "We'll have a baby today one way or another. Either this induction will work or you'll have to have a C-section."
Aye aye aye. My heart sank.
Thank God for my sweet nurse who was willing to hear my thoughts and advocate on my behalf. When the doctor came back into the room she let her know that we were not in a hurry. Because of the meds, I was stable and baby was stable and breaking my water was going to put me on a time restraint that I wasn't ready for. So she checked my dilation and I was at 3cm. She said she'd be back in a little while to check in.
My contractions picked up and I was mainly having back labor. All I wanted to do was walk around or get in the shower but unfortunately that wasn't allowed with Mag. I knew I could go ahead and get the epidural but I also knew that it wouldn't help me progress at all. Not to mention that once I had that I'd be in less pain but fighting the anxiety that I get with being numb. So we set the bed up as far as it would go into "shoe shiner's" position (the name a nurse had given it) and Joel was champ at rubbing my back every time a contraction came on. My mom, sister, and stepdad arrived around 1pm and my mom took some turns to give Joel's hand a break.
For the better part of Christmas Day, my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and lasting for 60-90 seconds. When the doctor came back in to check me again, I thought for sure I was at 5 or 6 at least.
Nope. Still only at 3. Consistent contractions all day long and no progression. The nurses said this wasn't uncommon with Mag and especially with not being able to walk around. The doctor thought I needed to have my water broken before I was going to progress any farther.
Most everyone left the room to prepare for the next steps to get going and for the first time in this process, I lost it. It was just me, Joel, and the nurse and I sobbed. So many emotions all at once. I am so thankful for my compassionate husband and the sweet nurse I had. I am so thankful that they both recognized I just needed a few minutes of a good cry and didn't try to tell me to "get it together" or insist that "I could do this." In the midst of my good wail, I begged God to make it clear to me what to do and to please let this labor progress.
A few minutes later there was a strange turn of events. Call me crazy, but I really believe the Lord changed my doctor's mind. She came back in and gave me 2 choices. The first was to proceed with her original plan (epidural, break water, crank pitocin). The second was a "pit rest." This would mean they would turn the Pitocin off for 5-6 hours to give my body a break from the contractions and we would pick back up at 1am to try again. Hal-le-lu-jah!
Needless to say, the decision was clear to me. Physically and emotionally, I needed a break. I also knew that if I could restart early in the morning, my chances were greater for getting to the next on call doc who would hopefully have a different birth philosophy. So at around 8pm the Pitocin was turned off.
Joel and I watched Elf and both tried to get some rest but my IV was making rest really difficult. The amount and type of meds being pushed in it were causing issues and my arm was red and swollen and in so much pain. My night shift nurse that had came on (who was such a Godsend) was concerned. She babied my arm with ice packs and elevation but nothing was working. Since this was my 4th IV in 2 days, she called in the IV team to look for a new vein. She tried a few places but nothing held and they all suggested a PICC line. (Info in the link but long story short: It's not something I really wanted.) I was a little relieved when were informed that the PICC team stops at 11pm... it was 11:10. Problem was, that left with us with only the bad IV that was giving us so much trouble. My nurse pushed for my veins to get a break so they turned off all the meds and only had fluids running to give my arm a break. My nurse put my bed in the most comfy position possible when you're pregnant (a position I later learned only she knew how to do... but she had been an OB nurse for 30+ years) and finally I got a couple hours of sleep.
During that sleep, they'd got all my meds back going and the Pitocin was restarted at 2am. The next few hours progressed much like the day before but this time as the contractions picked up, my back was shot. The day before I had been able to handle the contractions all day because I would get through the pain of one, have 1-2 minutes of no pain, and then be ready for the next one. But because of my back labor the whole day before, I was sore and getting no relief in between. I knew it was time for an epidural.... not what I wanted. But what I needed if I was going to deliver this baby vaginally while on pitocin without the freedom to walk or get on my birthing ball.
All around the same time that my nurse put in my request, the doctors were switching out. The new doctor came in I took a big sigh of relief. Calm, compassionate, patient. What an answered prayer. At this point, everyone agreed that it was best to go ahead and get the epidural, break my water, and see if we could get things moving.
I was so nervous about the epidural but many of my fears were relieved when the anesthesiologist shared that mine was her final epidural of her 38 year career. Needless to say, she got it right on the first try. I still hated the weird feeling of it shooting down my leg and had to pray through the anxiety constantly of feeling numb and not having total control of my muscles but it was one step closer to getting me to see Levi's face.
I was at 4cm when they broke my water around 7am. From there we'd just have to wait and hope and pray that my body would progress. Another huge gift from God happened not long after my water was broken. As if the new doctor didn't bring enough relief, in walked the midwife who worked with him. When she introduced herself, I literally thought I might cry. Because it was Christmas weekend and my midwife has 3 kids, there was no way she could be there.... but having Jennifer was the next best thing. She was in my room a good chunk of the morning and put me a such ease! Having her and my nurse Monica both there made me feel so confident about the hours to come.
The coming hours really all started to blur. I hated the way my body felt as the epidural kicked in. I had to pray through anxiety as the tingling and numbness came farther and farther up my torso. Thank God, Joel and my mom were there to talk to me down every time I got panicky. Though the pain relief was really nice, I had one spot about the size of a tennis ball on my lower back that the epidural didn't take. So with ever contraction I felt a crazy amount of pain in that one spot. Because of that I couldn't lay and get rest. We got the bed situated all the way up in a sitting position again. That was the position I was in most of the time and it allowed Joel and sometimes Mom to rub the spot on my back that was in so much pain.
The team came in to check me at some point and I had progressed to 6cm. At this point, we called our friend who would be photographing the birth to let her know it might be time to head our way. My mom headed over to Babies R Us to pick up some preemie clothes but she wasn’t out for long. I started feeling a lot of pressure and the midwife came in to check me. She was surprised to find I had moved to 8 in a very short time and thought he may be coming out faster than we originally thought. My mom rushed back over and our sweet photographer friend was in a panic worrying she might miss it.
The doctor came in to see if I was possibly close to pushing and found that I had actually regressed. It was a huge disappointment when after a second opinion, they all agreed I was back at a 6. My team had never seen that before. They gave me instructions not to bear down as they thought that might have been the cause and assured me I would progress back quickly. All of this happened around 11am. By this time my mom and friend photographing were in the room taking deep breaths that they hadn’t missed anything.
It didn’t take long for the crazy pressure to return. My nurse and midwife both checked and agreed I was around 8 or 9. They told me to let them know when I felt like I had to push even in between contractions. They hadn’t been out of the room for 5 minutes when the pressure got insane. I could no longer sit on my bottom and I turned over and got on my knees on the bottom part of the bed. This was a big no-no considering I was on mag AND had an epidural, so naturally everyone freaked out on me. But looking back, the midwife thinks that was just the position I needed to put Levi in perfect position. When she came back into the room to check me she agreed it was time to push!
The midwife asking my mom what color hair she thought he had.
My sister (who wanted to only stand in the corner) being at the end of the bed watching her nephew arrive.
Joel telling me over and over that I could do this.
A nurse I had never met coaching me on what to do.
Pain and pressure and pure excitement.
And then I heard that cry….
oh what crazy joy came when I heard that cry.
Our sweet Levi was born at 12:15pm.
May 6, 2016
tucked in: infertility